I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.


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Feb 11, 2014
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NW NJ Exit 25
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it.
If I gotta work, so does she.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Don't lie about your job, just word it better. Ex: "I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp. vs. "I cashier at KFC."

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

While you're thinking what to wear, I'm thinking how to take it off.

My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Fact: all boots were made for walking.

She left me alone in the house with cupcakes cooling.
Rookie mistake.

I don't think people should throw stones in regular houses either.

Cannibals are so full of themselves.

There's no "k" in team either.
This is fun. What other letters aren't in team?

If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash, who would you miss the most?
The pilot.

My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.

Crayons are a lot like M&M's. All of the colors taste the same.

I'll be honest, the only time I'd ever want to be 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' would be if I was chasing them with an axe.

I'm the guy that says "Is he bothering you?" when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

Best Buy: What's your street name?
Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.

Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?

It's all fun and games until you're sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework.

Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.

I'm too immature for adultery.

If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy?
Yes. Pizza and beer.

Too bad the dinosaurs didn't have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.

I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world's economic issues single handedly at this ATM.

If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo.
Well played America, well played.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!

Whenever I'm about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward?
These are things I think people need to know, NASA.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

God created woman and the devil taught her to smile.

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old.
Her parents are very upset.
As are the police.

What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
Two more bullets.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent.

Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I'm so glad I don't drink anymore.

I just sent a text that says "we really need to talk" to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn't exist.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: "Hey Babe, I love you!"
Gf: "we're breaking up"
Bf: "no we're not, I can hear you just fine."

Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.

My EX had one very annoying habit. Breathing!

If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her poop "Reese's Feces" she's missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I've been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.

So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume.
Regardless, he's going up on the wall.

Wile E. Coyote's Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

I don't like snakes, but "Diarrhea on a Plane" would be a lot scarier.

"Say hello to my little friend." -Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.

I always blurt out, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.

I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

My IQ score says I'm intelligent.
My dating history disagrees.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Hide all that weed,
because police lights are too.

Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby's gettin in here.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver.
We now have a situation in the kitchen.

I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?"
Me: "The antidote?"
Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?"
Me: "Nothing"

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

You would be amazed at the things you can learn about the world when you don’t believe it revolves around you.

Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.

So we agree when the zombies come feed em the teenagers first, right?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.
Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day.

Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption.
And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast?

Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.

I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.

Good thing "you only live once" has really caught on, otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it's no big deal.

Ignorance is not bliss.
It's just a fancy word for stupid.

Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair.

There are gravy trains and boats.
I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in 'em. Get on that.

Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she's Mexican?

You may have a drinking problem - when your mother asks you to toast the bread.....and you raise your glass and say "here's to the bread"!

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead.
What's taking the rest of them so long?

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too.

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden's Endless Pasta for their last meal? If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.

If a cop is at the door when I answer, I yell into the house, "Anyone order a stripper?" then say, "Sorry, wrong house!" & slam the door shut.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette.
Slow down, buddy. Don't get all the cancer today!

I'm fresh out of hopes and dreams.
Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress.

Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled "Maybe it's not us, it's you..."

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'

When Jesus went to Heaven, technically he was moving back in with his parents.

My wife once told me, "Mike, you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms," which pissed me off because my name's not Mike.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Gay marriage. Or, as I like to call it, marriage, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch. I parked my car, I didn’t gay park it.

My neighbor saw me this morning and he asked me “What are you doing?” so I told him “I’m exercising” and he was like “On my roof?!”.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

If you watch Forrest Gump backwards, a mentally handicapped man moonwalks across America so he can fly to Vietnam & find his friend’s legs.

For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called "The News."

Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.

Yes, I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.

Because 'brunch' sounds better than 'I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.'

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass.
He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.

I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"

Witch Logic: I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I'll use that broom.

I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry.

Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like "for your next divorce" or "clothes that make you feel skinny".

Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club.

I'm 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot.
On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

GF - What's that beeping?
Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF - How can you ignore something so annoying?
Me - Huh?

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison.
That sounds redundant to me.

The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.

Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?'
GF: 'Do you have something to hide?'
Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.'

I'll always remember the day my wife said "yes" to my proposal.
And I'll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone?

Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot?
Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying...
Cop: Oh.
Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.

If you're not cheating on me, then why won't you let me install surveillance cameras in your house?

It's cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things.
Once I even got married.

Apparently saying, "Oh, I just came to watch" makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.

I'm going to write "I miss you" on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts.

People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, a 6-pack, someone's kid, and a headache.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex.
So I dumped her.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar.
She's like "What's with all the red pen marks in my diary?"

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick: My girlfriend.

It’s so easy getting women wet. It’s refilling my bucket quickly that I find challenging.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbor asked, "Aren't you going to help?"
I said, "No, six should be enough."

My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone else's too.

Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.

A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she's gonna be a drug mule.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it's my neighbor's window and he looks angry.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.

I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget's taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.

I'm not saying it is your fault, I said I'm blaming you.

It's okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I'm "crazy."

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Two ninjas walk into a bar. Or do they?

Some people are doing stuff with their lives!! Let's mock them.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

It's actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow.
You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.

I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

Every time I think I've got the perfect family they escape.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I'm the only one not invited. Weird.

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams.
That's why I take so many naps.

It's especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Oh, some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?

According to math, I'm broke.

"I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault."
~ girls

"Don't quote me on that."

“That’s not a meteor.”
– Dinosaurs

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in an invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred.
The 5 responded: "How the hell did you get into my house?"

I don't have tinted windows on my car because if people don't like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief.
Sure it's dabbed in chloroform...

I speak 3 languages.
Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.

I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.

Everyone complains about immigration until they're searching the city for a decent taco.

Happy Teacher's day, Wikipedia.

HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn't finished.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled a drink on myself.

I don't think I can go back to a white president.

In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.
Diets are hard.

If you're wearing Superman undies, but she's a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.

I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.

I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don't really wanna hear about your 'summer' house.

I still get my 'drive-throughs' & 'drive-bys' mixed up.
Which is the one where I have to take a gun?

People say I have a dry sense of humor.
So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

I'm always there for my friends when I need them.

Lowering the speed limits in school zones makes no sense. If they run out in front of a car, then maybe they weren’t meant for adulthood.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

My sister read '50 Shades of Grey' and relayed some of its explicit content.
I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.

I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

My eyes physically can't roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we'll never run into again. If you don't, you're probably it.

I don't talk about my ex's because I like to start off with a clean slate. That, and they're dead to me.
Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

"You have 66,282,283,827,915,271,926 missed prayers." -God’s voicemail

I just took an IQ test and apparently I'm a Libra?

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".

My neighbors were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

As you get older, dirty talk turns into "Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it..."

I believe in "you're stupid" at first sight.

I think I'll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbor's wife to covet me.

My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?'
I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

The new Exorcist movie plot: Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, bitches be trippin.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention.
I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

I order a pizza online and under special requests I write: "tell me the meaning of life". When the door bell rings, there's only an empty box.


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Feb 11, 2014
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NW NJ Exit 25
we're just giving him a hard time...

(well, at least I am)

Rodney Dangerfield wasn't considered a genius till he was gone. That's just how it is. Same with dangerous religious and political geniuses. It's much safer to follow them when their dead.


Well-Known Member
Feb 11, 2014
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NW NJ Exit 25
My life is a never ending string of "What was I gonna do just now?". Just got into a bit of a spat with the man at the roulette wheel in Vegas over what I consider to be an odd number.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols.

I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

I'm so poor I can't even pay for my own consequences.

I may not be the smartest guy in the room, but I’m not the best looking either. Not sure where I was going with this.

Women like honesty because it helps them rule you out faster.

If eyes are the window to the soul, then the mouth is the barn door.

Real blondes don't drive SmartCars.

The closest I get to dating anymore is guessing someone's age.

She has a million dollar figure, but the top half is counterfeit.

I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they're being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

I cried during that sad part of Titanic. You know, when Rose threw that expensive diamond into the ocean.

If being skeptical is wrong, prove it.

Ich bin ein Hamburger.

The carpet-bombing of Hamburg killed 40,000 people. It also did good
In the early hours of 25 July 1943, nearly 800 RAF Halifaxes and Lancasters launched a 50-minute bombing raid on the Third Reich’s second largest city,...

If you LOVE FOX News and live for it day & night like I do, please troll Alan's site. But keep it classy, or you might get banned. Libs use tactics to get you worked up, don't fall into their trap.

Alan Colmes
Public Figure · 14,608 Likes




Feb 12, 2012
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10,000 comedians are out of work and you’re trying to be funny..??

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